Living from Intentions vs. Living from Expectations

Part One: Healing the Ego

Living from Intentions vs. Living from Expectations

We all have them. We all live with them. No, I'm not talking about dust bunnies (or in my case, dust elephants). I'm talking about expectations. Our parents placed expectations on us when we were children (and maybe they still do!). As we grew, our teachers, employers, friends, and partners also expected certain things from us. In general, this is a normal part of coming of age and living as a social being. Our parents', and others' expectations of us for good helped us achieve more than we would have by our own expectations alone.

But as an adult, if you realize you are still living the majority of your life from expectations, then you may start to feel like a wild horse that's constantly tethered to a post. The wild stallion or mare in you wants to break free, to assert itself, to roam fearless and brave. If you have never, ever allowed that wild horse free roam, watch out. It may indeed try to break free someday and if it does (and believe me, it's strong enough to do so) it may start wreaking havoc on your nice, orderly, secure life.

Does it want to destroy you? No. It's trying to get you to listen.

I have found the image of a wild horse is apropos in helping people tame the ego and release unwanted expectations for many reasons. For one, we all know that if you cage or corner a wild animal for a long enough period of time, it can become frenzied to a point that it is dangerous to itself and others. This is when the ego goes over to the dark side or shadow. It is still operating from a good intention (to protect itself) but it has the potential to do anything to anybody at anytime. Have you ever watched the TV show, Snapped? Me neither, but we all know what it is about: adults who, driven into extreme duress and not heeding their inner stallions or mares, suddenly "snap" and do horrific things to their family member. Things that on any normal day would seem, even to them, totally impossible. "I'm a good person. I could never do that." And then, one day, they do just that.

The wild mare or stallion is also apropos for constructive ego images, not just destructive. If you are able to tame a wild horse, you have the opportunity to ride on an amazingly powerful being that can take you to places FAST you couldn't otherwise go, due to time or distance constraints.

In transpersonal psychology, the ego is not seen as inherently negative but a normal part of human development. From one way of viewing it, ideally, we go from an infant pre-ego stage, to a young adult ego stage, to a mature adult trans-ego stage. The ego, then, serves an important part of a person developing a unique and stable identity that can more or less function in the world.

Unfortunately, many religious systems forget the need for individuals to form a healthy identity as part of normal spiritual growth. Instead, they encourage self-sacrifice, even to the extreme of self-abnegation or self-humiliation. (Whips, anyone?) They promote denigrating self to the point of extinction. They discourage self-love, confusing it with self-exaltation.

Thus, many people get the idea that to have good self-esteem and self-love is unhealthy spiritually. They end up living out much of their lives still in pre-ego based on expectations of others, never realizing that forming a healthy self-image from within is desirable for spiritual advancement. Their spiritual leaders have never told them that self-denigration and self-exaltation both stem from an ego that's out of balance. So their "self-sacrificial love" is actually, "I won't/didn't form a self, so you go and live my life for me."

In reality, every stage is important for spiritual development: pre-ego, ego, and trans-ego. Self-sacrifice depends on having a "self" to begin with, for how can you give away unconditional love to someone else, when you don't have any for your self? How can you pour if your cup is empty?

For populations that experience disenfranchisement due to race, gender, class, age, sexual orientation, or disability, forming a healthy ego identity can be even more challenging as layers of oppression create even more obstacles for a person trying to realize their full potential.

So, how to let go of living from expectations and heal this powerful beast called the ego?

First, affirm yourself. "I am a unique and valuable person. I am here for a reason. My life has purpose even if I don¹t have a clue yet what it is."

Second, make a list of all the expectations that are on your life.
My parents expect me to__________.
My spouse/partner expects me to_______.
My employer expects me to__________.

I expect myself to____________. (Even self-expectations are generally from outside of you—you expect of yourself what you are "supposed" to do, according to God, society, family, etc., all, in actuality, coming from outside of you.)

Continue on until you've exhausted whatever expectations you can think of.

Third, go through the list and select which ones you don't like or don't want. If you're unsure about some of them, you might want to say them out loud and notice your body's reactions when you say them. (Your body is very connected to that wild horse in you‹ more so than your mind.) You might find when you say one of the expectations, your stomach gets queasy, your throat starts constricting, your heart skips, or your body gets anxious. What is this telling you? Just listen and take notice.

Fourth, when you've identified all the ones that you don't like or want anymore, then do this visualization.

Visualize that wild stallion/mare of yours tethered to a post with many, many tethers. Imagine that each tether is an unwanted or unneeded expectation that has been placed upon you.

Now, one by one, release each tether that keeps your wild horse tied to that post. You might want to say each release out loud. For example, I might say, "I release the unwanted expectation placed on me by society that I always wear my pants right-side-out" (or whatever).

As you release them, visualize your wild horse gradually regaining its freedom. A little dangerous? Yes, but you can handle it. You're ready. You are a genius horse whisperer. You didn't know that, did you?

Now, when all the tethers are gone, let your wild horse run free in your mind. Where does it want to go, where does it want to run? Go with it. Just let it be free. Let it race around at top speed.

If you let your wild horse out like that all the time, you might never develop its full potential. It's time to start training that wild power, ever so gradually and gently. So after your horse is all tired out from its new adventures, tell it that you will let it out again next time, but now it's time to come home and stay in a corral. Let it know that the corral is large and spacious. It can run around inside whenever it wants.

Then, bring your wild horse back into the corral. Go as slow as it needs you to, building trust. Tell it you won't tether it again, or allow others to tether it without its permission. Apologize, if you need to, for allowing self and others to cage it. Listen to it. It may be VERY, VERY ANGRY or VERY, VERY SAD or VERY, VERY AFRAID. Allow it to express its emotion to you. Gently tell it that it's okay, that you understand. Listen to what it is telling you it wants. Affirm it and give your wild horse lots of loving kindness and compassion.

Next time: Allow that wild horse to run free again. And again, bring it back to the corral. Keep this up for several visualizations until your wild horse gladly and easily comes back into the corral on its own.

Later: When you feel ready and your wild horse gives you permission, slowly learn to ride it in your visualizations. First, just put a blanket on its back. Let it get used to it. Then put a saddle on. Again, let it get used to it. Talk to it, telling your stallion/mare what you are doing and why. Always, listen to it. When you have established enough trust, then let it know that you are going to ride it. Do so, only within the confines of the corral. It may buck you here and there. That's okay. Just stay with it, letting the horse show you what's permissible and what is not.

In time, you will be riding free, but first, let your own imagination run wild. Where would you like to go in your life? What would you love to see? to do? to be? that you've never done before? You may come up with some crazy, forbidden things. That's why you're still in the corral. When you let your wild ego express itself for the first time, it might want to do some things that would harm self or others. This is getting very much in touch with the part of your ego that may have gone into a bit of the dark side for being suppressed or oppressed for so long. That's okay. It's perfectly normal to have these feelings. They are valid emotions; you just don't want to act on them. (Please see note at end of blog.)  So keep it in the corral. Keep it within your current values of morality. 

If you were given extremely rigid or extremely lax values from upbringing, you may need to do some analyzing here. Is going out for a night of tango dancing harmful to self/others? No, not really. So, that's okay. Is having wanton rabbit sex with every person you meet harmful to self/others? Possibly. So that's not okay. Keep your wild horse in the corral and promise it, it can run free again. Put some reigns on, and let your stallion/mare get used to a measure of self-control.

Then: When you're ready to open the corral and ride your now tamed power-horse out into the world, establish some wild intentions that are still moral (reigns are still on), but are based on freedom from within. "I intend to live in an ashram in India. I intend to eat chocolate-covered beetles to my heart's content. I intend to wear my pants inside-out, every Friday." (Hey, why not?) Let your now tamed, but powerful stallion/mare speed you to your intention as fast as it can to make it happen. Imagine experiencing your intentions in your mind with as much joy and satisfaction as possible.

Do this with as many of your dreams/intentions as you can. Then choose one and develop a step-by-step plan for actually getting there in real life. When you've accomplished it, then choose another one and keep going!

When you live from in-tention, you are living from "in," from within. Living from within, from intention, integrates and heals your ego, helping you build a solid foundation of healthy self-esteem so you can fulfill your potential. And, it's fun! When you live from ex-pectation, you live from "ex," from outside. This divides your inner being from your social being, creating dissonance, disappointment, and even destruction. Choosing to live from within, from intention is an exciting, fulfilling way to live. It is also a fundamental step that is necessary to learn so that you can then work on transcending your ego, the next major path of your spiritual journey in this life.

Please note:  If you feel you may be a danger to yourself or others, immediately seek out the services of a medical or other healthcare professional.  If unavailable, call a crisis help line or 911.

NEXT — Part Two: Living from your Truest Self: Transcending the Ego

To schedule a healing session or intuitive spiritual consultation with Monica call her at 206-306-1144, email her at monica@monicamcdowell.com or for more information, check out her website at www.monicamcdowell.com 

Copyright © 2009 by Monica McDowell, MDiv.  All Rights Reserved.  This entry may be linked, forwarded, or copied in its entirety as long as this paragraph is included and there is no profit gained by doing so.  Monica is an energy healer, spiritual director, minister, and author of My Karma Ran Over My Dogma:  Lessons Learned by a Whistle-Blowing Minister Turned Mystic.  She has the distinction of being the first ordained minister in the United States ever granted civil rights in a federal ruling.